I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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