i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
