I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
