if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
