i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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