I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
