I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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