her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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