Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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