Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
