It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
