do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She bit a glass in half.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
