clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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