Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
