The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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