dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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