i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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