listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
