Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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