Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
