I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im drinking this country out of the recession.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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