god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
