Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently the secret to your success is patron
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
