True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
