We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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