you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
