yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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