yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
