my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
