Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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