can we get nightvision for the apartment?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
