some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
