Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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