So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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