Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
