My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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