Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
