No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think a kid would responsible me up
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
