I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
