So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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