Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
