: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
