Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
