i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
