oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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