I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
