Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
