Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
