Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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