the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Randomize
