dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
