Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
