so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
