Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
