I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
