The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
