So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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