My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
