I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just want nice things and good sex
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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