party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
