I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
