I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
