Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
